vocal album. songs written in 2009 and 2010 with a couple of older ones completed also
mainly guitars & bass, a few keys, more real drum sounds. no third party loops or samples.

track listing. click to play:
it's now and it's contemporary / the time and place to be - what's the reality?
enjoying humiliation is degeneracy
laughing at deluded people - the death of empathy / the end for fellow feeling
you say "other people's suffering makes great tv"
you say "laughing at them makes me feel good about me"

take some poor fool who thinks he can sing / and show the world that he can't
then laugh at his surprise / the confusion in his sad eyes

you made a mistake / you got something wrong
you slipped up for the last time / it's unacceptable
it's unacceptable and unprofessional / you're unacceptable and so unprofessional
you don't love your career / you don't worship the firm
you don't have our interests / running red through your veins
i'm an egomaniac, self righteous and self obsessed
i'll dismiss with a glib smug phrase all the effort you've ever made
because you're guilty of being human / and i've forgotten how to be

when she called me clever, and then he called me stupid
i was young so i believed them both / but what would that turn me into?

a self-loathing egomaniac, a reclusive dominator
painful shyness, crazy assertiveness / a faithful friend and a fearsome tyrant

this is what you do when you're clever and stupid, clever and stupid
this is how you act when you're / clever and stupid, clever and stupid

when she called me handsome, and then he called me useless
with filial loyalty i accepted both / but what would i then become?

this is what you do when you're handsome & useless, handsome & useless
this is how you act when you're handsome & useless, handsome & useless

mad with pain but fired with compassion / trying to hide and be number one afraid to speak, refusing to shut up / a great ally and the worst disputant

this is what you do when you're clever and stupid, clever and stupid
this is how you act when you're handsome & useless, adorable but embarrassing
the age of intimacy is over / with each partner it gets square rooted
don't tell acquaintances or the media
and you'll have something you can share alone together
there are some things that the public has no right to know
they only think they do because everybody wants to tell them
(but this is intimacy) / just a glance, and you know what she's thinking
all your jokes that just the two of you get
knowing that you've never shared her with anyone else
no anxiety about who's been before you
the things you used to tell your closest friends
now get printed on a thousand glossy pages
to star in those rags is everyone's dream / intimacy and privacy no longer valued
don't even tell your intimate friends / let alone anyone who has your number
but you would really like to tell the world
if only you were famous, if only they would listen
after twenty girlfriends, all of them and all of their boyfriends
know everything about you / what is left for you and your latest
to cherish just between the two of you?
when you've posed for a bloke's magazine / there is no intimacy
when you've shown your pants at the back of your jeans /there is no intimacy
when you've sold your wedding to 'OK' magazine / there is no intimacy

although i don't agree with you / i can't help but feel guilty
although i'm not the same as you / i can't help but feel guilty
i'm guilty - of not being the one that you wanted
guilty - of embarrassing you with your friends
i'm guilty - of choosing a life that pains you
guilty - of wanting your whole world to end
although your life would not suit me / i can't help but feel guilty
although you put yourself before me / i can't help but feel guilty
although my past is a placebo for you / i can't help but feel guilty
although my friends were all mad too / i can't help but feel guilty
although i tried to speak to you / i can't help but feel guilty
although i wanted to be normal for you / i can't help but feel guilty
i meet my obligations to you / yet i still feel so guilty
and when i don't do what you want me to / i can't help but feel guilty
i'm guilty - of leaving every thing that you value
guilty - of choosing my own way in life
i'm guilty - of seeing the world passing over
guilty - of choosing to outlive it now

although i'm in all of your pictures
i just don't feel that i belong there
although you're in all of my memories
those memories don't feel real to me

it's like it all happened to someone else
it's someone else in the pictures
someone else did all those far away things
someone else was so precious to you

although i feel so very distant
i'm not trying to disconnect myself
although i know i'm very different
i'm not disowning anyone


you want me to be close, and confiding / but when i try to speak more personally
you sit silent, wait until i'm done / then you say what you would have anyway
you have such a fixed idea of who i ought to be
but i don't think you know that much about the real me
so i have to come to the conclusion / that what i am isn't what you want from me
you don't believe the real me exists / and you ignore any evidence you see
i know you love me, it's hard that i'm so self contained
but what you love is a persistent illusion
si lack the courage to break through this
and it would only turn you off me anyway
we'll never be as close as you desire / not from any unwillingness of mine
but you want closeness with an image in your mind
with my name, my face, but not the real me
you have a definite idea of who i used to be
but it never really matched up to the real me
you don't seem to like it that i'm so independent from you / the fact is, i had to be
but when i said it you undermined it / and when i gave it you didn't take it

but my confidential talk it never appealed to you
my needs were never acknowledged
and my attempts to trust refuted

i sense that you want more involvement in my life
but when i wanted you to be
you either couldn't or wouldn't be

 on the phone every time i hear the disappointment in your voice
and i know you want me to need you / to trust you and confide
you're waiting for me to say something
waiting for me to give you something


they told me, "you shouldn't have to do what you don't want to"
but then they told me to do lots of things i didn't want to
they told me, "you have to dream of everything beautiful"
but they gave me nightmares / bad dreams of pressure and anxiety
it's all twisted round, it's just a total paradox
so beautiful to look at, but so ugly underneath
they told me, "everyone has got to be included"
but then they left me to watch the phone while they had their meetings
they told me, "we want you all to have so much freedom"
but then they made me write down everything i did every day