despite yourself
by the value of suffering

 


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pre-harddisco album, industrial influenced electronica with occasional guitars, written from 1992-93. this was recorded on my old fostex four-track, with fragile sound quality, treble too harsh. tracks presented here have been eq'd and remastered, but still not exactly how i would like them to be. see pre-harddisco hardware for details of equipment used.

value of suffering material compiled originally on four cds with mix of vocal tracks and instrumentals - see here for details.

written and performed by the value of suffering. no third party material on this album.


01 when your friends are ranged against you

so all the girls you know wilfully exclude you
cos you're not capable of amusing them
but please don't worry cos their friendship's not worth anything
you never need fear that you're boring me

and when your friends are ranged against you
and they arrange themselves far from you
and they leave you in the corner and they sneer
recognise that their cruelty's
cos they're too scared to be different
realise that they're the ones in fear

i see your suffering, and wish that it would cease
that from all anguish, even death, you'd be released.
i see your anger, and feel that it hides fear
if i can help you then i will, i hope that's clear

so all the girls you know are ridiculing you
cos you won't fling yourself into the arms of any boy
but think how pitiful their boasting of their conquests is
you're wise to wait patiently for love

and when your friends are ranged against you
and they arrange themselves far from you
and they leave you in the corner and they sneer
recognise that their cruelty's cos they're too scared to be different
realise that they're the ones in fear

i see your suffering...
02 not shy by nature

my past is so impersonal, a remote mystery
i can't believe those far off things happened to me
unreal if not untrue is how i view my memory
i feel my former life was lived by someone else, not me

and who am i really, my ego is so weak
in company with different ones i change the way i speak
for insecurity has twisted and defeated me
annihilated, camouflaged my personality

for i'm a happy child in truth, yet known for misery
i love to laugh, yet circumstances crush that usually
i like to lead, be prominent, yet insecurity
ensures that i remain in vile servility
and am i quiet and shy by nature? certainly not so
observe me with my friends, extroverted, how i glow
yet company that i'm relaxed in is so seldom found
that usually i cower, and my humour runs aground

the world that i existed in was carefully contrived
that vulnerable ones would not be able to survive
and, turning from the world rejected, would embrace despair
and see in all contentedness the lie existing there

so all the things i turned to for refuge and relief
moulded my mind until i firmly believed
that misery was the truth, the right and the good
contentedness existed among morons

and who am i really,...

for i'm a happy child in truth...
03 unwilling to respond

i loathe myself so utterly for what i'm doing to you
spending time with you cannot be anything but cruel
you feel now more intensely than you ever will again
and i flaunt myself before you and refuse to ease your pain

how i loathe your silly schoolfriends, despicable fools
gauging our friendship by their stupid petty rules
they've been deceived so thoroughly as to what life means
forsaking love and trust for what is merely obscene

i'm too abnormal for someone to like me casually
no—one could endure my chronic insecurity
unless they saw and loved the boy i usually hide
and genuinely needed something that i could provide

so i know that your affection for me is sincere
and it's something i return, for i really hold you dear
but i hold you at arm's length
cause you don't share my way of life
into the earth's future i would like to lead my wife
04 a beautiful stranger

i'm not a glamorous young man, of that i am quite sure
but in my barest honesty, you love we all the more
the very facts about myself that fill most with dismay
are what attract you to we in a rare and special way

yet though we're so compatible i cannot always feel
that the love i have for you is absolutely real
sometimes when we are together i can only see
a beautiful stranger with an unaccountable fondness for we

for the truth's the greatest barrier that ever will exist
and not unless you cross it will our problems desist
the truth's also the greatest unifying force
can bind us together without hardship or remorse

when usually, of my fears and doubts i dare not speak
your compassion means i need not be ashamed that i am weak
when i'm frank about myself, young ladies start to flee
so what a valuable companion you must surely be

yet though we're so compatible i cannot always feel
that the love i have for you is absolutely real
sometimes when we are together i can only see
a beautiful stranger with an unaccountable fondness for we

for the truth's the greatest barrier that ever will exist
and not unless you cross it will our problems desist
the truth's also the greatest unifying force
can bind us together without hardship or remorse
       
05 i want the world to die

i want the world to die, to burn in fire and pass away
i feel the and is closer now, could happen any day
the vileness covering our earth is screaming to be cleansed
and all who obstruct righteousness will meet their bitter end

filth upon the ground there is, our air and water grey
poison even on the food we eat from day to day
the beauty of our land has been sadistically scarred
but those who've ruined, past and present,
from the future will be barred

i want the world to die, to see the and of bitter greed
the eagerness to out men down, and rob them in their need
to rid the world of the evil of competition
of men who laugh in triumph at their friend's humiliation

filth upon the ground there is, our air and water grey
poison even on the food we eat from day to day
the beauty of our land has been sadistically scarred
but those who've ruined, past and present,
from the future will be barred
06 i know it's hard to love me

i
know it's hard to love me, that there's not much to admire
little to be proud of, or to prove my birth worthwhile
i know, as dying humans, that your primary task
is to produce useful children, and in their success bask

but i don't want to succeed in this cruel and ugly world
to devote myself productively would just be too absurd
for even if the anguish didn't make that life a lie
all that i accomplished couldn't save we when i died

so please do not assault we if i choose not to seek fame
the way to such success would be a bitter, soulless game
and please see the worthlessness of chasing after wealth
the life that i have chosen will preserve my mental health

i know i've produced little, earned less, refused to work
all the things you value i wilfully have shirked
the chance my only talent offers me, i have defied
i'm wasting it, that i can live a life governed by 'lies'.

i do not wish to struggle, to accept a life of toil
when all that living can achieve, eventual death will spoil
it hurts we to hear you say that life must be this tough
wish that you'd examine this, and find it's not enough

so please do not assault me...

i know it's hard to love me, but i know that you have tried
although i've done so very little you can view with pride
and though i wail and whine of your insensitivity
i know that you have always done your very best for me
07 feb 92 instrumental

08 despite yourself

i love you for your capacity to feel pain
how frequently you feel lost and alone
over fear in empathy we thus may reign
with mutual protection as our throne

i love you, because when you're under stress
you target we with your uneasiness
though vulnerable, i know i need not fear
your fierceness just makes your affection clear

you smile when you look at me
in tender, helpless exasperation at my imbecility
and laugh, despite yourself,
because you love me

i'm not deterred when you feel distant from me
though i don't want you alone and afraid
i'm not intimidated by your complexity
although you're hard to understand and aid

i love you for how agitated you become
whenever you're forced to share me with someone
it manifests your emotional intensity
and makes you oh so beautiful to me

you smile when you look at me
in tender, helpless exasperation at my imbecility
and laugh, despite yourself,
because you love me