connoisseur of personal anguish
by the value of suffering

 


album playlist:
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pre-harddisco album, guitar-based with drum machines and a few synths, written from 1989-91. this was recorded on three different sound setups, with fragile sound quality, treble too harsh. see pre-harddisco hardware for details of equipment used.

value of suffering material compiled originally on four cds with mix of vocal tracks and instrumentals - see here for details.

this is the original cover i drew for my tape box  - as you can see, at the time i still
cherished the illusion that i could draw, but i have long since let that go.

written and performed by the value of suffering. no third party material on this album.
 
01 enslaved

i knew you and i loved you,
loved you more than anything in the world
i held you and i kissed you,
and hoped that at last we could happy
but you left me, just like the others,
and with me you left your hope of salvation
with me you were wanted, and pretty, and wise
with him you are just another housewife

life has more to offer than this,
but the way is so well hidden in this world
if only we could have stuck together
we could have seen our fulfilment unfurl
you must try to avoid the shackles of modern life
for you deserve far more and so does every housewife
you must resist when they try to make you sacrifice your youth
and live your life for you and your love and not society

you wanted a normal life,
marriage, children mortgage and a tea-towel
you rot in your house,
cutting off your mind from your soul as it howls
you watch your husband as he works,
works himself into an early grave
you see your love wither as to his salary he is enslaved
as to his salary he is enslaved - enslaved
02 the pleasures of life

old bones groan in a fireside chair
aged bowed head of silvered hair
weary lines on a cheated face
another also-ran in the human race

they told me every day, every year
there's so much to look forward to,never fear
and so i looked forward, every day
now here i sit, with death just moments away

the love that i felt was real to me
real to me and no-one else
soon it will die with my memory
i might as well not have lived at all
for all the marks that i never made upon this world
and all the people who never knew me or cared

tears stream down from a closing eye
dwindling mind still wonders why
it took till now to realise
that the pleasures of life are only lies

i used to awake in anticipation
with such high hopes for every day
but i soon sank in the stagnation
of the all the emptiness that came my way.
03 a desperate defence

i have fought and overcome the demons of oppression
i have carved myself a niche in which i can survive
i have thrown aside the insanity of hatred and oppression
and with my shield of cold cynicism i live and thrive

on this planet of persecution, misery and greed
exploitation, murder, torture, foul lust and greed
my vulnerable soul is safe within my toughened hide
and despite the blows and taunts i can regad myself with pride

this i belive, and so do those who know me
none of us know how loneliness has overthrown me
for i smil and jest and radiate immortality
and i face the world with my honesty and strict morality

but in the glass before me
i see a child's wide opened eyes unshielded
a desperate soul, anxious to love, unheeded
with the years of suffering, rejection and bleeding
i see an innocence, eager for acceptance
striving to climb the barriers of the lofty few
who, anxious to protect their thrones of empty social stardom
guard them, from the eagerness of children like you

i see for a few precious, yet deadly moments
within the barriers erected as a shield
within the determination not to yield
to the calls of adolescent longing,
the sweetness of young flesh
within the walls that hide the child
from this world's barren heart, merciless and wild

i see the child i am, and have always been
not the staunch saviour of the opressed
nor the solid shoulder for the agonies of friends

but a desperate noy hiding in an ever-shrinking space
a deviant, a mutant in this stinking human race
begging still for succour with a pleading upturned face
defeated despite a desperate defence

04 song for clare

desert the grey metropolis and wander in the woods
stretch upon the soft green turf
reach out with your soul unto regions further south
and realise your true worth

for into your mind upon the gentle summer breeze
will float the support of a friend
she will serenade you with sweet words of love
and bring your torment to an end

the world is filled with people who will ever be jealous
of the beautiful and the gifted
but when spiritual wealth is understood and shared
the burden of gifts if lifted

life cannot be lived without companions of like mind
so for these you must seek
for when you find them your soul will be complete
and you'll ever be immune from the weak.
05 in order to survive

in order to survive i must lose my vulnerability
and become immune
yet losing my vulnerability loses my soul
invulnerable, i shall pass over beauty and truth
discarding them as symptoms of weakness

it is sad that men must languish in indifference
to avoid the pain and fear of a rebuff
and that the strength of mind that accompanies ignorance
destroys appreciation of music and of love

yet despite my eagerness for acquaintance
i may escape into a land of ecstacy and bliss
for our innocences combined will protect us
in the desert we will find our oasis

again i must say, we are nothing when apart
alone, there is nowhere we can hide
from our solitude we must rise and depart
and dwell in the sanctuary of our like minds

06 precious and valuable

pray do not assault me with your glib and clever phrases
as you defile love with your foul melodies
don't shower upon it your unimaginative praises
in my eyes this is the greatest of heresies

how precious and valuable love truly is
as you flit from one partner to another
how painful the partings and the dear loves lost
when you will not show love to your lover

tell me how love has enriched your life
and i'll show you how it's impoverished mine
though i don't want to deprive you of love
make the most of your opportunity next time

pray do nit sing of love without displaying insight
don't use it to justify your nauseating songs
many would die for a softly spoken word
and you have wasted something for which they long

how precious and valuable love truly is
how its absence from my life fulfils me
as you screech and wail of heaven and earth
you kick sand in the face of the lonely

tell me how love has enriched your life
and i'll show you how it's impoverished mine
though i don't want to deprive you of love
make the most of your opportunity next time

07 tired of fearing you

for a change, please, be desperate for me
as i am desperate for you
for a change, please, tremble when i pass you by
like you make me shake when i'm close to you

wherever you lead i will follow you
and hate myself as i so do
wherever you lead i will follow you
for this is what i'm doomed to do

i'm tired of fearing you and being under your command
and failing to amuse you or to make you understand
just how unequal all the times we've ever shared have been
and how true peace is something that i've never really seen

for a change, please, fear that i don't like you
that i just tolerate you
for a change, please, be subservient to me,
carefully consider everything you do

wherever you lead i will follow you
and hate myself as i so do
wherever you lead i will follow you
for this is what i'm doomed to do

i'm tired of fearing you and being under your command
and failing to amuse you or to make you understand
just how unequal all the times we've ever shared have been
and how true peace is something that i've never really seen
08 how can you

i'm not the son you wanted and i never will be
you've made it plain that you take no delight in me
i'm selfish and uncaring and i'm sure that, ultimately
you'd be happy to remove me from your precious family tree

how can you, how can you say
such hurtful things with no dismay
how can you cruelly make it plain
that what i am drives you away

this world has hurt me, so badly oh it's hurt me
and yet you want me to embrace it, willingly
you are ashamed that i'm not satisfied with misery
that i'm again evading sweet normality

but i'm normal and i do not wish to be
if hatred, callousness and spite make up normality

but you may yet have the chance to respect me
in the day that your precious world ends
in your last moments on it, you will have to realise
just how much you wronged your poor young son, whom you despised

how can you, how can you say
such hurtful things with no dismay
how can you cruelly make it plain
that what i am drives you away
09 girlfriend

you must be so frightened for my future
as i once again sidestep the only world you ever knew
i love jehovah more, he is my father now
he understands me and i know you never have

no i haven't got a girlfriend, and thank you for reminding me
of just how unnatractive i am
and i love my creator now and thank you for informing me
of how unpopular this will make me

i know that i'm too willing to discard you
that i'm callous in my lack of love for you
but your bluntness always made me so uncomfortable
and it's almost a relief for me to leave you to die

you're driving me away with your attempts to protect me from
living in the wolrd i always longed for

no i haven't got a girlfriend, and thank you for reminding me
of just how unnatractive i am
and i love my creator now and thank you for informing me
of how unpopular this will make me

i cannot exist in the way that you do
the life you want me to live would destroy me
  10 it hurts to watch you

i know if i approach you that you will receive me gladly
you'll thank me most sincerely for rescuing you
from the loneliness you felt as you cowered in your corner
watching the majority and being of the few

we'll share our most unhappy moments in these situations
agree on how we neither ever really fitted in
and know that peace for us depends on affiliation
we'll protect one another

and all this i discern from your wide and beautous eyes
and how your hair frames the sweet curve of your face
i'm certain that beauty will denote understanding
and know, because it hurts to watch you, you are right for me

yet since i am so timid and my limbs will not propel me
towards you, we will never speak
so i will not discover just how horrified you'd be
at my assumption, that like me you're vulnerable and weak

and so i will not suffer a humiliating rebuff
and learn a lesson valuable though painful
instead i'll watch you leave and be consumed with sadness
at the passing of a chance to finds the love i've so long lacked
and for weeks ahead i'll sigh upon your wide and beautous eyes
and how your hair framed the sweet curve of your face
i'll rue your beauty twinned so perfectly with understanding
and know, because it hurt to watch you, you were right for me
and i watched you leave without speaking
11 i can't believe you like me 

if you do not rewrite your will in my favour
i won't be able to believe that you like me
and if you do not offer me your maiden daughter's hand
i'll be convinced that you are cold towards me
if you are merely pleasant and smile when you see me
i might just feel secure for a short while
but if you don't begin to beg me not to leave you
i'll be convinced that you are waiting for me to go

for i can't believe you like me,
for my needs for warmth are greater
than you have the ability to supply
i won't believe you like me if you're only nice to me
and you do not in my absence wish to die

so am i too demanding and self centred,
or just too sensitive and vulnerable to survive
do other human beings treat me badly
or do i crave for more than my fair share
am i unique and special in my awareness
of the tiny cruelties that men inflict on each other
or am i merely seeking for excuses
not to strive as other people do

for i can't believe you like me,
for my needs for warmth are greater
than you have the ability to supply
i won't believe you like me if you're only nice to me
and you do not in my absence wish to die